I wrote this earlier on in the week and have been toying between posting it because it's pretty out there & it's blooming long. Then I thought 'why the fuck shouldn't I'? I've also reflected that 2015 has been insanely enlightening, and a lot of this has come out of learning 'what my truth is', and then whenever I realise that, I tell people.
I'm so blessed that I have an abundance of incredible humans surrounding me who are truth speakers. What I have learnt about speaking truth, is that it empowers, and breaks down barriers between people, I begin to wholly accept myself, and it HEALS.
So if you are still reading, then I basically urge you to read on, because this is SOME of my truth. And I hope in some way it can heal you. I also recommend that you then walk into 2016 speaking your own truth.
I've suffered from a condition called vulvodynia for what seems like a life time. What this condition means physically, is that every so often, usually based around me having sex, I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking I need a wee, and then realise that at the end of that wee, I'm paralysed with suffocating pain downstairs. That's right. My vagina is on fire.
Sometimes I cannot leave the house through pain. There are several ways to treat this pain, which are prescribed by the doctors of the U.K.... Take tablets every day which will numb the nerves of your vagina. These tablets will put you through several situations.. You'll feel like you're having a panic attack at certain times of the day. You may scream and call your mother crying in fear.
At other times, you may worry that you'll fall asleep at your desk at work.
Your mental capacity is that of a 5 year olds. So forget those things you used to be able to work out in your brain so quickly, because not only do these tablets numb your vagina, dear soul. They also numb your fucking mind.
I'm writing about this because I woke up at 7am today, sat on the toilet and was faced with pain. I no longer take those tablets. Not ever. I swore I'd never touch them again.
So I went back to my bed. I breathed deeply. I called upon reiki intelligence to work through my hands so that I could subside the internal pain. I'll be honest, it didn't work. Reiki has worked when another human has treated me. But it's hard to channel light healing when all you want to do is scream.
So I took those tablets. As I type there is a strange force clouding over my thinking mind. Scattered across my floor is an entire pharmacy of tablets I've collected, tried and tested since vulvodynia got me at the age of 16. It's been over 11 years. I've also taken a couple of codeine. These were my old friends from last year when I all I could think to do was numb. numb. numb.
As much as what I'm writing may be a little bit much for whoever is reading it to taste. This is my truth. I wanted to write this because also, I've never done the following:
- Played the victim
- Given up hope
- Blamed anyone else
- Allowed myself to be broken
- Allowed this situation to engulf me
What I have done is the following:
I sort out medical advise & spent years on antibiotics which wrecked my immune system. Sometimes people ask me why I still get sick when "all I eat is vegetables". That's why - I'm still working on getting my sweet body back in order. Advice: Avoid antibiotics like the plague if you can.
Doctors then told me that there was nothing else they could do for me. I was incurable. I walked out the hospital and I didn't cry.
I quickly diagnosed myself with vulvodynia & spent years seeing a specialist who gave me those numbing tablets.
When that didn't help I had an operation which sliced away at my poor poor vagina to remove the skin which could possibly be causing the pain. I don't know if that made I difference. I still felt pain.
When that didn't work, I had Physio. I won't detail what I had to do, but each session would end with me served up with a nice slice of 'FUCK THIS' sensations. So I stopped.
During this time, my whole entire life changed. A long term relationship dissolved into emotional & physical pain. Then nothingness.
I decided I'd be alone. I remember the point when I truly came to terms with never being loved again. And I just accepted that.... Without telling anyone.
Know that I didn't give up the light.
Yoga as been my saviour in many ways for 8 years now. Yoga has lived with me and grown with me, just as vulodynia has moved and changed and evolved my life. I never ever think that getting vulvodynia was a mistake. It has led me down a route where I have learnt SO much about me. I have self helped the HELL out of myself.
Whilst the yogic / sprit path I walk on, has not quite cured the physical pain (yet), it has been my guiding light. My hope. And I'm getting there. It allows a flame to burn which tells me to persist with holistic healing because there is going to be a time when I am free from this.
I am stronger. I am brighter. I am lighter. I am kinder. I am more understanding of others pain. I am a healer. I want to soothe and take away hurt, anguish, the lies and deceptions from others. I walk in a path of light and love. I am surrounded by other healers. I am surrounded by other warriors who have also fought and learnt with their own pains. I am blessed. I am so blessed.
As I write this, I'm beginning to feel less pain. I pray: Please allow me to taste what it is to make love. To make LOVE. Not pain.
For those of you in pain. Speak your fucking truth. Don't hide yourself. Speaking your truth will empower you. Don't be afraid. Don't be embarrassed. For God sake, I'm writing about my vagina.
Why the hell as a society must we be quiet about this? Why is it that we must only talk & post about the brightness and happiness we feel? Do not frown upon this post as negative. It is TRUTH. Do not allow yourself to hide these shadows. They are to be spoken about. They are YOUR LIFE TEACHERS and also OTHER PEOPLES TEACHERS!!!
Do not deny your shadows. Do not hide them away anymore. This is your divineness. This you part of you. We live in a world where unfortunately we experience pain. Emotionally. Physically. Do not deny that. Do not deny YOU.
Your truth will heal others. Your truth will shine light on others pains and lead them to speak their truth too. DO NOT suffer in silence. Sisters and brothers. Allow yourself to BE yourself. Allow yourself to heal.
I love you,
Thank you so much, Grace!
Please check out her website here: